Three weeks Two days Post Operative

Thankfully I didn't die on the operating table. The morning of my operation I wrote out a set of final instructions should anything ominous occur. Similar to a will but missing the distribution of assets as I have none. I wrote in a water damaged 70 page exercise book about my three nights in hospital. When I locate that book I'll transfer my memoirs here. Suffice to say my hospital stay was a mixture of experiences. I remember how bored I became with the four TV channels on offer and how quickly I tired of diabetic jelly and consume that tasted as if it had been wrung from a sock. The staff were pleasant. I was compelled to send them a box if chocolates on my discharge. The chocolates were a gift from a friend who obviously had difficulty perceiving the nature of my operation and what I seek to gain from it.

Three weeks two days post op I'm approximately ten kilos lighter. Maybe more and hopefully not less. I made Mark remove the scales from my view as I start to become obsessed and let the red flashing number govern my mood for the day. I'm feeling very healed. I'm a regular on gastricsleevesupport.com and have noticed a lot of people are still recovering and only able to manage 100mls of food at a time and stay satisfied for a while. I'm able to eat up to 200 mls in one sitting and can then re-eat three to four hours later.

This is what is bothering me. Accompanied by a slowing weight loss I'm absolutely terrified of failure. These boards and the dietitian herself reassures me failure is not possible but I'm worried that if there is a loophole in her theory my body will seek it out, destroy and waltz right through. Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe Three weeks Two days post operative is far too early know. But I don't want to be the example of failed bariatric surgery amongst my circle of family and friends. No one loves more than to share a tale of failed weight loss. I don't want to be the lead character in that fable. People are constantly asking. How much now? How much have you lost? And I abhor this type of questioning. If my answer starts failing to invoke awe and admiration I feel it will be enough to start the chin wagging. Particularly with a family like mine.

I've been so cranky lately. More than the usual fire breathing dragon I exist as. I think coming to the realization that this operation isn't going to be the magical weight loss solution has impacted on my mood. Realizing I will still need to be vigilant and eat good before I eat bad has depressed me. I do not trust myself. Especially when I'm sat next to an Asian man eating a pizza roll and a berry v. I just gave him three filthy looks. Hopefully this is now enough for him to understand I'm the recent recipient of a reduced capacity stomach and his support can be demonstrated but not eating good looking food near me. I know what I need to do. Actually I don't but that's what I'm going to figure out now.

1. Stop weighing myself
2. Prevent myself from snacking by removing the food in my drawer at work
3. Stop worrying, listen to real hunger and the rest should take care of itself
4. Start exercising.

I'll check in here on a months time.

Xox