Next week Tuesday I'm having an operation. Operations were things that other people had up until about a month ago where I confirmed a date with my surgeons receptionist. 18th of May marks the beginning of another era in my life.

My whole life I've struggled with morbid obesity. As a child I was chubby but never excessively large, it wasn't until I hit high school that I started my eating Frenzy and packed on the beef. I got up to about 120kg in high school. On my 5'2 frame that' ain't pretty. In my last year of high school I fell in love with some random dude on the internet and was planning my big kiwi escape to be with him. Mortified at the idea of meeting him the size of a planet I got myself down to 77kg. That's the lowest weight I've been in my adult hood. The highest weight being close to 145kg. Today i'm 137.5. I've tried it all. My story no different to millions of other woman out there who struggle with their weight.

I am nervous, trying not to think about the 0.36 or whatever it is mortality rate. I'm more concerned about how we're going to cope financially afterwards. I've raped every revenue source possible to pay for this operation right up until the morning of the operation I'll still owe the anesthaetist $1000.00 which I'll pay out of my huge pay check (1100). I'm not looking forward to the financial aftermath but I'm looking forward to the freedom this weight loss will bring. Looking forward to living unabashed by my physical presence in the world. Living and feeling worthy of the small pleasures in life, like having a massage at at a spa and not feeling like I don't deserve it. Or even getting my make up done at a department store counter and not feeling like a circus attraction.

I'm looking forward to ridding myself of this horrible diabetic disease and extending my life so that I can see my children grow up and get maried and have children. So I can be a pilar of support throughout their adult lives and not a sick dependant burden.

I'm looking forward to travelling the world with my beautiful partner Mark, enjoying each others company when the children leave home, being healthy enough to explore the world together before we return back to our maker. I feel like I owe it myself to keep a diary record of this journy. I never want to forget how painful my existance has been as an obese person. The shame, the negativity, the looks of dissaproval. The 18th of May will also serve as a remebrance day of all of these things.