Sausage Rolls & Meat Pies

I was going to start this post with "Captains Log" then I quickly remembered how overused and un-funny that line is so decided against it.

So it's October the 20th 2010.  Just going to jump to my calender now so I can calculate how many days post operative I am (makes me sound like a marine)

... 155 days.  Or 22 weeks 1 day.

Today I weighed in at 105.2.  Since July the 30th I've lost another 11.5kg.  So roughly 1kg per week.  I've just emmerged from a 3 week plateau on 107.3.

For three long weeks I stared at that number flash back at me and wanted to throw the scale into a lava pool.

My fault though, I've been eating everything I shouldn't be.  Doritos, Chocolate, Mince pies, Cheeseburgers.  Anything my heart desired.  I'm such a stoopid head but hey I didn't get into this mess because I was picking all the right foods now did I? I've woken up now, this is an old tidal pattern.  Long periods in a state of unawareness.

Fiji and the Cook Islands were great.  Fiji was a work thing.  Met some awesome ladies and a few not so awesome ladies (married women acting like complete sluts = amusing but incredulous)

The Cook Islands was all about me and Mark although we were there for a friends wedding renewal we got one ourselves, it was so nice to chill with him without anyone around. 

Now waiting for the funds to fall into place so I can dust off this Hawaii trip. 

I might try and attach a before and up till now photo for my own viewing pleasure as I'm the only one obviously reading this blog.

24 Days Since My Last Post and ...

I'm 116.3.  I've lost roughly 4kgs since I last wrote.  Things are slow because for two weeks of that time I was eating basically whatever I wanted just in smaller portions, I wasn't drinking any water and I wasn't doing much exercise.  Things aren't perfect now, take last night for example, carrot cake and kfc chicken? Hmmm but at least I'm conscious and not in a complete food coma.  If I lose on average four kilos a month it's going to take me just over a year to get down to 65kg.  Which isn't so bad I guess but things feel like they're creeping along and my 'naughtyness' makes me wonder how much quicker I could actually get it down. 

Today I"m trying to be extra good because I gorged like a inconsolable whale last night.  Gorging for a gastric op patient has different implications gorging = 1 KFC chicken wing and two nuggets.  Still gorging none the less and if I keep repeating this habit I'll never be the weight I want to be. 

My hairs changed, it cost me $270.00 but I'm in love with it.  Had tonnes of compliments including my favourite "You look 15 again" and I finally feel more worthy about receiving them. Onwards and upwards Kalifi, stay focused, stay faithful, stay strong and keep picking away at it (my self motivational dialogue)

Off to Fiji on the 20th of August for a famil with Fiji tourism and Coral seas.  6 nights, $400 all activites and meals included.  Yes, I am terrified of flying but NO I will not let it come in between me and opportunities to travel.  Besides it's a 3-4 hour flight and it will equip me better for the flight to to the Cook Islands which is 5-6 hours long in each direction.  Groan.  OH and! Exciting, exciting, Hawaii airfares are paid off and hotel confirmed and deposited.  Woohoo so now it's just Activities and spending money.  So excited about Hawaii, lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve family holidays!

xox

Seven Weeks Two Days Post Operative

The only reason I'm here is because I was deleting online picasa web albums and had an album marked blogger. 

I had my first follow up appointment with Dr Durmush Saturday just gone.  Since the operation I've lost 17kgs exactly.

This is 7 kilos in one month.  1.75 a week or 250gms a day.  On average.  I try not to obsses about the figures but as you can see it's not my strongest point.

I'm trying to break through the 120 barrier to the teens.  I've been teetering on 120.1 for the past 48 hours.  It would possibly be of benefit to my plight if I did not eat three small bowels of curried sausages all in a space of 3 hours.

I had an operation on my stomach not my brain.  My surgeon helped me though put things into perspective, it's always good to sit across from him and feed off his wisdom.  He likened large meals at buffets to poison, which I had concluded myself a long time ago but gaining his validation was motivating.

I'm slowly coming to grips with it all.  Not feeling the emotional duress anymore of being seperated from a double quarter pounder anymore.

Today I'm taking an impromptu half day annual leave.  I'm heading to westfield to find some new pants.  The ones I have been wearing for six years are heading South, so are my undies - these two things coupled make not a good thing - particularly if my pants decide to spontaneously drop.

I'm going to be a Great Auntie at 31, my brother a Grandfather at 38.  Ben's girlfriend Deni is six weeks pregnant apparently. I haven't met her, but her facebook photos suggest she is a nice girl.   No loud announcements on Facebook as yet so I will save the fanfare until they too are genuinely excited about it too.  At the moment being 17 & 18 I'm assuming that there is a fair bit of processing to get through.  Mum as always is pleased with her accomplishment of being a Great Grandmother.  Another maternal notch on her belt.  Er, well done?

Oh and on another exciting note, Mark and I are having our official engagement dinner on the 21st of August 2010 at 1830.  YAY.  I'm in the mood to celebrate, It's a Buffet restaurant (groan but cannot escape the expectations of mass food due to my Samoan heritage) in Parramatta.  It's on the river and offers a polynesian dance show (tieing into my Vintage Polynesia theme for wedding) and a DJ afterwards.  I'm only inviting closest friends and family but on the night I'm anticipating only a few members of our family and our church.  ANYWAY I'm happy, one stop closer to being Wed. 

Three weeks Two days Post Operative

Thankfully I didn't die on the operating table. The morning of my operation I wrote out a set of final instructions should anything ominous occur. Similar to a will but missing the distribution of assets as I have none. I wrote in a water damaged 70 page exercise book about my three nights in hospital. When I locate that book I'll transfer my memoirs here. Suffice to say my hospital stay was a mixture of experiences. I remember how bored I became with the four TV channels on offer and how quickly I tired of diabetic jelly and consume that tasted as if it had been wrung from a sock. The staff were pleasant. I was compelled to send them a box if chocolates on my discharge. The chocolates were a gift from a friend who obviously had difficulty perceiving the nature of my operation and what I seek to gain from it.

Three weeks two days post op I'm approximately ten kilos lighter. Maybe more and hopefully not less. I made Mark remove the scales from my view as I start to become obsessed and let the red flashing number govern my mood for the day. I'm feeling very healed. I'm a regular on gastricsleevesupport.com and have noticed a lot of people are still recovering and only able to manage 100mls of food at a time and stay satisfied for a while. I'm able to eat up to 200 mls in one sitting and can then re-eat three to four hours later.

This is what is bothering me. Accompanied by a slowing weight loss I'm absolutely terrified of failure. These boards and the dietitian herself reassures me failure is not possible but I'm worried that if there is a loophole in her theory my body will seek it out, destroy and waltz right through. Maybe I'm over reacting. Maybe Three weeks Two days post operative is far too early know. But I don't want to be the example of failed bariatric surgery amongst my circle of family and friends. No one loves more than to share a tale of failed weight loss. I don't want to be the lead character in that fable. People are constantly asking. How much now? How much have you lost? And I abhor this type of questioning. If my answer starts failing to invoke awe and admiration I feel it will be enough to start the chin wagging. Particularly with a family like mine.

I've been so cranky lately. More than the usual fire breathing dragon I exist as. I think coming to the realization that this operation isn't going to be the magical weight loss solution has impacted on my mood. Realizing I will still need to be vigilant and eat good before I eat bad has depressed me. I do not trust myself. Especially when I'm sat next to an Asian man eating a pizza roll and a berry v. I just gave him three filthy looks. Hopefully this is now enough for him to understand I'm the recent recipient of a reduced capacity stomach and his support can be demonstrated but not eating good looking food near me. I know what I need to do. Actually I don't but that's what I'm going to figure out now.

1. Stop weighing myself
2. Prevent myself from snacking by removing the food in my drawer at work
3. Stop worrying, listen to real hunger and the rest should take care of itself
4. Start exercising.

I'll check in here on a months time.

Xox

Next week Tuesday I'm having an operation. Operations were things that other people had up until about a month ago where I confirmed a date with my surgeons receptionist. 18th of May marks the beginning of another era in my life.

My whole life I've struggled with morbid obesity. As a child I was chubby but never excessively large, it wasn't until I hit high school that I started my eating Frenzy and packed on the beef. I got up to about 120kg in high school. On my 5'2 frame that' ain't pretty. In my last year of high school I fell in love with some random dude on the internet and was planning my big kiwi escape to be with him. Mortified at the idea of meeting him the size of a planet I got myself down to 77kg. That's the lowest weight I've been in my adult hood. The highest weight being close to 145kg. Today i'm 137.5. I've tried it all. My story no different to millions of other woman out there who struggle with their weight.

I am nervous, trying not to think about the 0.36 or whatever it is mortality rate. I'm more concerned about how we're going to cope financially afterwards. I've raped every revenue source possible to pay for this operation right up until the morning of the operation I'll still owe the anesthaetist $1000.00 which I'll pay out of my huge pay check (1100). I'm not looking forward to the financial aftermath but I'm looking forward to the freedom this weight loss will bring. Looking forward to living unabashed by my physical presence in the world. Living and feeling worthy of the small pleasures in life, like having a massage at at a spa and not feeling like I don't deserve it. Or even getting my make up done at a department store counter and not feeling like a circus attraction.

I'm looking forward to ridding myself of this horrible diabetic disease and extending my life so that I can see my children grow up and get maried and have children. So I can be a pilar of support throughout their adult lives and not a sick dependant burden.

I'm looking forward to travelling the world with my beautiful partner Mark, enjoying each others company when the children leave home, being healthy enough to explore the world together before we return back to our maker. I feel like I owe it myself to keep a diary record of this journy. I never want to forget how painful my existance has been as an obese person. The shame, the negativity, the looks of dissaproval. The 18th of May will also serve as a remebrance day of all of these things.