Archive from Journal Space

What an odd day to start. In an effort to kick start yet another health reform I've started a detox diet. Below are the foods I am to steer clear of: Red Meat, Poultry, Processed Meats, Milk, Cheese, Eggs, Wheat Products, Bread, Croissants, Pastrys, No sugar, No excess fats, no salt. I am permitted to have as much fruit and vegetable as I desire and brown rice and potato is ok. Fish ok. I'm 10 hours into my detox day and I feel as if I have apple stuck in my throat. I wonder if that's because I dont have any grease to ease it down my oesophegus. 123.8 Today. I've put on 5.5 from my calculations. In a mad frenzy of American food, ice cream and as many cookies as I could get my hands on. How quickly it piles back on. I know it must seem so futile, repeating this process over and over again but even if I stop and start as long as I don't gain it all back each and every time I'll still be losing. I also need to keep trying for my healths sake.


Universal Studiosposted Tue, 21 Nov 2006 18:28:34 -0800


Woke up early to have a shower. Took me a while to figure out how to turn it on. They have these pully out thingies on the bath tap then you have to pull something else out on the shower handle. It's unncessarily complicated. My growing collection of dirty washing worried me deeply so after dressing I packaged it all up in a trusty new zealand countdown bag and proceeded to locate the laundry facilities. Walked into the lobby of our building and used the phones conveniently placed on the wall. Pressed 0 for the operator or what I thought would be front desk and asked the girl that answered where the laundry facilities were located I was in building 2 on the ground floor I told her. She sounded confused. "This is Howard Johnsons reservation line mam" .. "Oh" I responded and hung up the phone, cheeks turning pink, demeanour sheepish. Walked to front desk reception and asked where the laundry facilities were. She handed me another map of the complex (we got when when we checked in but far be it from me to actually refer to it). Walked back to my building and found the room tucked away next to the cook machine. YAY. My filth can now be washed away. Armed with an american note, surely the must have change converters in the laundry facilities themselves. That would make sense right? It would also make sense to have some sort of vending machine that sold washing powder. But no, apparently I was the one who didn't make sense, had to once again trudge back to the gift shop to convert my note to a handful of quarters and buy some Cheer washing powder (which by the way has the most glorious smell so I bought two).


937 Pm LA Timeposted Fri, 10 Nov 2006 20:00:34 -0800


What a day. We disembarked NZ6 and proceeded dutifully through US customs. On first impression L.A looks bleak. It looks like its suffering from overcast day syndrome but constantly. It’s the city smog that cocoons the city and gives it a greyish overtone. Once we had advised border control we had nothing of their interest to declare we exited lax. We all congregated in a group on the curb side waiting for direction from our escorts Moua and Jo and we got haggled for donations by a man called Ben (got a photo of him although now wish I hadn’t) We all jumped onto the Disneyland coach and he drove us to Howard Johnson Hotel (few stops on the way) I fell asleep on the bus I was so tired.


My Travel Diary - Los Angeles, 3 Nov - 7 Novposted Fri, 10 Nov 2006 19:48:44 -0800


Check-in, customs and then an anxious wait in the Koru Lounge. The group I'm travelling with are slow to open up and relax but they all seem like a good bunch of people. We all got guess passes to the koru lounge which was a nice experience. I had some beef noodle stir-=fry, not great but it was free and I figure I'm not going to eat very much on this flight. The security checks are vigorous but I think the need to be. Sat on the plane now and we're just backing out of the parking space. I'm nervous as hell. My chest is tights and my heart is racing. I can’t believe how much I loathe this experience. Everything I know tells me this is the safest way to get from A to b but my body rebels so strongly against that idea. Huge aircraft Boeing 747-40-0 I'm sat behind the right wing. I'm going to try to hold off taking my sleeping pill for at least 2 hours into the flight. I figure I should only sleep for 8 hours so don’t' want to take it too early. We're still on the tarmac no movement yet. The wait is making me sick with fright.
You know things are going badly when...posted Fri, 06 Oct 2006 17:58:53 -0700
You've been stuck in the 120 mark for 5 weeks. This morning 120.75. Gawd its so frustrating. My fault mind, I've been craving chocolate and ice cream for the past 4 weeks then I just binge. OH WELL. Just giving myself a reminder. So I can look back on my weight loss efforts one day hopefully with some sense of pride.


Sex and Smoked Salmonposted Sat, 12 Aug 2006 01:52:55 -0700


Just finished tea. Brown rice, smoked salmon and vegetables. If ever I wanted to torture somebody I'd feed them the meal I just had. Two things need cleaning right now, our bedroom and me. I'm unsure which one I should do first. I always feel better after I've had a shower so I'm gonna pick myself up and get under the pipe shortly. I'm missing Mark something chornic. The first time we'll have a day off together this month will be the 21st of August. That's fkkked up. If I have an early start sometimes we dont see eachother for 2 days. This morning (as it was my day off) we got to spend a little bit of time together before he nodded off to sleep, but it's completely and utterly unsatisfactory. Unfortunately for us, there is really no other way for now. The up side is that the sex is good because we're starved of eachothers company. Maki is such a good lover though. And my god if this diary was accessable by my friends and family I would definitely not be typing this but he's a natural and learned very quickly for someone who had little to no prior experience. I'm so comfortable in his presence though, good sex is inevitable under those circumstances. I bought a stapel gun today. Bad move. I have an addictive personality, if mum hadn't told me to give it a rest i'd probably be stapling my own stomach right now. They're so cool! That we're renting and I'm not supposed to put anything into the walls wasn't a concern as I wandered around the house securing any evidence of lifting wallpaper. That type of 'deal with it later' mentality is the baine of my adult life. That's the exact reason why at 27 with three children I don't own my own house. I am the recent owner of a ceramic hair straightner though. My hairs been straight for two days now and everyone who knows me has commented on it. I wasn't sold at first but It's starting to grow on me, it excited Maki quite a bit, I'd catch him looking at me and when we've hugged they've been more 'I want you' type hugs than 'I love you'. My new hairstyle must have the same effect on him that his glasses do on me. He has this square rimmed glasses that make him look distinguished and disgustingly hot. He thinks it's a big laugh when I ask him to put them on, he thinks he looks like a dork, I think he looks like a god. I have to get under water before I start to decompose. Stay safe fellow humans.


Swimming Todayposted Sun, 30 Jul 2006 19:11:46 -0700


I wonder how much swimming lessons cost for children in other parts of the world. For one school term I'm paying NZD95.00 per child which is roughly equivalent to (according to todays exchange rate) USD59.24. The term is generally 3 months long so roughly I'm paying NZD8 per lesson. I don't know why I spend time calculating these things, let's just say I know how to party.

Trains, Planes and fat people.
posted Wed, 21 Jun 2006 21:45:52 -0700


I'll often make a decision about somebody then will later challenge its validity. I got up from my desk this morning to shut the blinds as the sun was burning holes into my retinas and making it quite difficult to work. Closing them became quite a task as the pully thing you use to shut them was located behind a desk that was rather large and pushed up against the wall, I tried many different acrobatic feats to try and get them shut and in the end just opted to use a nearby umbrella to reel in the cord I needed. I wasn't aware that the whole time a 50-55 year old European woman who worked 5 ft away had been watching me. "What are you trying to do?" she asked almost accusingly "shut the blinds, the sun is on my screen" I retorted. "Just use the handle" she said. Momentarily confused I soon realized she wasn't aware I had already shut them. "Oh I have already" I responded and I walked back to my desk. This exchange lasted only seconds and ordinarily not worth a mention but it was the way she peered at me, down her long powered slender nose that enraged me. It was as if my very existence deeply offended her. Why? Who knows ... Perhaps as I'm severely overweight my obvious lack of self control disgusts her or perhaps I'm her walking talking poster girl for the obesity epidemic and she sees me as a tax drain Unless I choose to ask her directly if my very existence repulses her I’ll never know if what I felt was a mere misinterpretation or in fact the truth.


Today we celebrate the Queens 80th Birthday
posted Sun, 04 Jun 2006 20:27:29 -0700


If it sounds like I'm a dedicated royalist then you're mistaken, I had to google her birthdate. In my humble opinion the only royal worth of attention was Princess Diana, now that she's gone the royal family are a bit blah. I had for a short time after Taylors birth entertained the exciting thought that she may be emigrate to the UK, meet prince william and marry him after a whirlwind courtship of 4.3 months. Can you imagine me being an associate of the royal family? I pick my teeth with cardboard torn from a matchbox and sleep with my mouth wide open. Now it appears William has set his sights on a blonde so Taylor will have to wait for his first divorce before she gets another shot.


Good God
posted Sat, 18 Feb 2006 01:16:19 -0800

My last entry was 21st of October 2005. The date today is Saturday the 18th of February. It's highly embarrassing to admit that 131 days have lapsed since my last entry. Engrossed in my new life I was. Mark moved house in November after a cataclysmic spat with his older sister. Shortly after that if not before I quit qraveyard shift after 'grave' concerns across the board for my health. I was nodding off on the motorway and veering off into sweet heaven. Mark and mum insisted i give it a miss and since have been on late afternoon shifts finishing up late evening which suit me fine. For a short period over Dec-Jan I became progressively more anxious to marry mark. It had a lot to do with the rocketing house prices in auckland and close work colleague being diagnosed with terminal cancer. We even settled upon a tentative date of april this year. I became convinced that all I wanted was an El cheapo wedding with just close friends and family. The deeper I delved into that concept the more I realized I'm not really an El cheapo girl and although I felt I could be resourceful and pull miracles out my bum the reality is that money must be my friend for the type of wedding I've always dreamed of having. I'm not talking 300 guests, horse and carriage, star dust, doves and tiffany gift boxes for the bridal party. Food and wine is important to me so are beautiful fragrant flowers and these things cost money. There's also the colosal issue of my dress. I haven't worn one since I was 8 years old. If I were to approach a dress maker today about a wedding creation she'd look at me eyes wide and say "for your body type I'd recommend a mumu".

My interesting day
posted Fri, 21 Oct 2005 09:21:31 -0700

I think I have a journal stalker. I wonder who this person is who constantly pops in and out of my journal ?? Leave me a comment!!!3.27amposted Fri, 14 Oct 2005 08:11:02 -0700I've started graveyard shift. I still detest coming to work, aggravated by the fact that I now have to work while the rest of the country is tucked up in bed. Who rings at 3am? Americans thats who all highly strung about their seating. God bless em. So i'm donning a nice ring and the family is quietly buzzing about the prospect of a wedding. 3.41am. My god time is crawling on injured knees. My wonderful fiance has found paid employment after only 2 weeks of resigning from his past job. I'm so relieved, I knew he'd find something but not having work was really hurting his self esteem. He starts on Tuesday, yay, I'm thinking of throwing in the towell on this whole night shift stuff, sure more money (which I've yet to experience as my last pay was fucking crap) but I'm getting really tired and I told Mark if I start developing dark circles I'm going to sue the company. Had my tooth pulled out today at middlemore hospital. I went there straight from work this morning at 6am ... got there 6.30 sat out in the corridor with 20 other people waiting for the doors to open. They finally did (8.30) had to wait another hour for treatment. The service is 40 bucks it's called their Pain Relief clinic. I wondered during my 4 hour ordeal if the retail cost of $120 to extract a tooth is worth paying to retain your sanity. The dentist was lovely though. And I only use the word lovely when I'm referring to people over the age of 50 for some odd reason. He asked me if I wanted to keep my rotten tooth for the fairy. I couldn't imagine why she'd want that ugly holey thing in her sack though. Oh god it just got busy at work. The east coast of usa has just awoken. They're even more anal about seating then west coasters. They also have a very impressive talent of being able to ask you 55 questions in 60 seconds without taking one breath. Theres a 45 year old woman sat adjacent to me who wears her pony tail so high up on her head she looks like a palm tree. Her glasses look like two magnifying glasses taped together. When oh when will extreme makeover come to New Zealand.

I`m ready Today
posted Wed, 07 Sep 2005 15:27:12 -0700

To share one of the most intimate pieces of writing i've ever completed. My fathers eulogy. Over the past few nights a lot of things have concerned me. None more than the writing of my Father’s Eulogy. Dad was a wordsmith, a master of the English language, he could manipulate words in a way that provoked nothing but awe in the reader, the listener even the daughter. How then could I write an apt summary of his life and be entirely sure it would meet his approval? So dad before I begin I would like to offer you an apology. I’m sorry for all the words that you’d find unsuitable, for the grammatical errors and the parts you would have deemed ‘superfluous’. This is one piece of writing I won’t be able to submit for your editing and in advance I say thank you for your tolerance. I’d really like to start by giving you a chronological timeline but it’s something I cannot truly offer. The knowledge I have of Dads childhood is lacking in detail. I know he was born in Cardiff; Wales in 1921 He was raised by his elderly grandparents abandoned by his mother in her pursuit of fame as an English cabaret singer. I notice now in hindsight that although he was reared in a time of widespread poverty he never spoke of this deprivation as being a hindrance in his life. Instead he maintained it had the opposite effect. He would say that the man with a meager beginning would feel twice as rich on receipt of a loaf of bread compared to his privileged counterpart. In approximately 1937 at the age of 16 he left Wales and moved to England where he joined the British army for whom he fought in the Second World War. As a child I’d often ask dad to tell me about his experiences in the war. I remember quite clearly that he was the lieutenant colonel responsible for the daily operation of a German prison of war camp. It was here he learnt to speak fluent German. I’d more often than not leave the conversation feeling that there were memories he had that he’d locked away forever and would never divulge I think to protect himself and me. It was in the army that he got the nick name Rudi. He wouldn’t divulge why they chose the name Rudi to me either again I think he was trying to protect my innocence. During his time with the Army my Father covered wide parts of Europe and Asia. It was In Asia that he said he fell in love with spicy food and exotic looking ladies. In Hong Kong in the early 50’s that he finally resigned from his duties with the army but not without getting his first taste of broadcasting. A friend of his who made his living as a radio announcer invited him to read the news one day. That one day in my Fathers history would form the basis of his lifelong career. In need of a holiday he took an Australasian boat cruise. Enamored by the countryside and idyllic lifestyle of New Zealand he made the decision to make it his home permanently. He was offered a job with radio new Zealand international and quickly progressed to manager shortly after 1977 he was asked to restructure radio 2ap in Western Samoa. Dad always used to say that he was drunk when he met our Mum. He’d even write it on the back of all the photos we had of at home of her. It was during this drunken madness that they married and returned to NZ together with two young boys. My father’s Alcoholic psychosis also resulted in a pregnancy. In 1979 I was born. To cover the next ten years in a few short paragraphs would be a gross injustice. The events that occurred, the people we encountered, the laughter and the fun we had still form the basis of a lot of our conversations today. We were raised in a home with foundations built of absolute love. Dad you succeeded in providing us with a great home. You were firm but definitely fair. We’ll probably never forgive you for force feeding us liver or taking us camping and pitching the tent at the bottom of a steep slope on a rainy day but what you did give us Dad was such a warm and stimulating upbringing. Filled to the brim with good values and incredible memories. There are also a few things we want to say sorry for today. We’re sorry Cardona booby trapped the shed and nearly knocked you out with the rake, we’re sorry Reg drank your beer and filled the bottles up with water, I’m sorry that every time I walked past the security cameras at your work I’d make rude gestures at them, we’re even slightly sorry that we flushed Cardona's head down the toilet but I think what were most sorry for is that you’re no longer here to remember those things with us. A part of the dull ache that sits deep inside the pit our stomachs stems from the knowledge that the long chats we shared sat across from you on the big brown couch have been forced to remain as memories. We’ll miss your entertaining narrative and wonderful company. Today daddy more than anything I want to thank you for a few things. I thank you for instilling humility, kindness and compassion into my life. I thank you for making me recognize the importance of the bond that develops between family and friends. For helping me to understand that no life is worth living without honesty and integrity. For teaching me that independence should be embraced and that freedom of speech be celebrated. For showing me that faith in the lord will pull you through the most treacherous times. My deepest gratitude daddy; for your unconditional love and you inhibition in expressing it. I am so proud to stand here in front the people who have come today and say that you are my Father. That I have loved no other man in this world the way I love you and that I will continue to love you in this ardent and unruly manner for as long as the good lord lets me. Godspeed my beloved Father, god’s newest addition to his army will certainly be a very audible one, I’m sure he’s wishing he could put you back now. In 1993 I left my Dad for a years schooling in Auckland. He insisted we write more often than we phone each other. He maintained that there are not many people left who could write a good letter, that it was a dieing art form. I’m going to read a small part of one of the many letters I kept. My love, I knew I was going to miss you but didn’t realize just how much. Leaving you at the Ferry Terminal and driving home was the loneliest car ride I’ve ever known. I recall once telling you that I never felt lonely in all the years I had spent on my own. I also said how much I enjoyed my own company and if that got too much I was quite happy to bury myself in a book. Now I’ve discovered what a load of rubbish that was. In those days I had nobody to love. Then you came into my life and things changed including my attitude and my feelings. So the learning curve goes on darling up until the day we move on. Make every day a learning day darling and you won’t go far wrong. My love for you is total and nothing will ever change that. Yours Always Daddy Today on this learning day I want to make my lesson a public one. In the face of loss, in a time extreme grief and sorrow when I sat down in quiet to reflect on the time I shared with my Father, I didn’t remember the things we owned, didn’t think of the house we lived in, or the car we drove or the amount of money we had in the bank at our disposal. I thought only of the love we shared, the bond we developed and maintained and relied on. The loyalty and unspoken devotion we had to each other. These are the things that truly matter and in this life of ours I believe the only true measure of wealth. Tofa Soifua Tama, Fa’amanuia le atua ia te oe ma lou Malaga.

I love you 04 Sep 2005
posted Sun, 04 Sep 2005 23:55:30 -0700

End of the 4 year drought. Mathieson joins the lords family. God bless you darling. May he bless you with wisdom, health and joy. All my love forever xox Mummy

New Zealand
posted Mon, 29 Aug 2005 02:03:03 -0700

I was born to the yellow thistled hills of wellington and nurtured by the rugged landscape, embroiled by turbulent winds and needle like rain drops. The clouds were always angry, the pavement always moist and the sun an escapist from my earliest memorys. We lived close to the ocean. Everyone does in New Zealand. I would stand at the end of the pier in Island Bay and look below at the kelp infested waters, my father overseeing my wellbeing from the shore and wonder what life was like as a concrete slab buried 2 metres under the tormented pacific ocean. I'd run back to the sand, lay down on my back and watch the sun through my closed eyes. When the sound of sea fills your ears theres little room for much else.

Mark
posted Sat, 27 Aug 2005 02:51:08 -0700

Occasionaly, not very often, but occasionally you'll meet a person who has the most profound affect on your life. This person need not stay long, it could be an utter stranger over a 5 minute conversation but nonetheless they say or show you something that shifts your perception, even if it's only momentarily it's enough to catch a glimpse of something new, something exciting, something unchartered. When I first started talking to Mark I didn't think he was going to be one of those people. Our conversations were regular and consisted of alot of nothing. We shared similar sense of humours so our banter continued. After a certain amount of time I sat back and consciously considered why only after such a short period of time had I developed such a deep affection for him. Then It became quite clear, that all his actions and words came from a place of utter warmth, he was selfless, kind and pure. All these characteristics had gently captured me and I found myself at that point completely besotted but amazingly still felt like I was in total control. I didn't feel reckless or too hasty with these feelings, I felt safe and content. I started listening, truly listening to some of the things he had to say and was angry at myself, that i could have missed this opportunity because in the past I was so sure I knew what I wanted to hear. I'm lucky. Lucky to have found somebody with a heart as huge as his, lucky to have met somebody who has shifted my perceptions. Mark, you are not insignificant and you are not a shadow. You've brought so much light into my life, how could a shadow illuminate the world around me the way you have? When I look at you I see a pureness that I have never encountered before and I look up to you. As a man you're defined by your goodness and integrity not your job, nor your car, nor your good looks and charm. You are good and you are kind and you will live a beautiful life because of those things. You have asked me. Do I want to be a part of that? I ask you, what kind of person would I be if I turned you down? Do I not want happiness? Do I not want honesty, trustworthiness and unconditional love? I know you can offer me these things, they're all I've ever wanted and you are holding them in your palm and extending your hand to me. Of course I'll accept without a trace of doubt. Somewhere, someone has brought us here.

Found this in an old excercise book
posted Sat, 27 Aug 2005 01:05:01 -0700

Friday The Something of August 1997 Dear Raymond It's 930am, the morning after you've gone. I'm in so much pain I thought I'd resort to my fundamental instinct and hopefully write the pain away. I feel so sick, an illness tormented with betrayal, humiliation and deep sorrow. No matter how much I try not to, I still resort to the age old question "What did I do?" What made you need the touch of another female? What possessed you to disregard every sentiment we have ever shared and attempt to place someone elses lips on yours. I'll never understand your driving motive, never truly be able to embrace and explanation because I have you EVERYTHING, everything I could I tried to share and my best wasn't good enough or my best didn't mean enough. I am so saddened that all we talked were just words in the air. I'm embarrassed that our aspirations have dissolved so rapidly. Not many understand why I love you, why I will probably continue to love you till the day god needs me. That explanation I care not of what I care so much about is your future. Your safety, your mastering of goalds, the day that people can freely admit you've changed you're doing well and you'll secceed. I want to stop crying now and save my tears for the day that I can say that my babys gonna make it. I have some maintance that needs tending to. You know my faults inability to be assertive barely tracable self esteem. I want to remedy my broblems before I give brith so I can be a fully equipped mother. udring my recovery period I will go through feelings thousands of emotions but I have no doubt that at the end of it ill still hold for you a indestructable piece of my heart, the toughest, roughest part that holds no coniditions but just keeps on giving out love. You unserstand it will take alot to open my heart completely once again time will tell but my affection for you will never cease, I'm gonna write a little later, feeling drowzy xxx cardy ooo And then this Dear Raymond I suspect in little time at all you'll be arriving in Wellington. Its almost 9pm i called tias house at 1.30 but you had already left for the capital. I feel empty. Walking into our room demands my entire strength. Everything, absolutly everything reminds me of you. The rose tree outside with mambos rope tied to it, the washing machine, the sponge in the bath, your spit marks on the pavement outside the window. The longer I dwell on something the harder I cry. These have been the hardest days I've ever had to endure. Yesterday, I went looney hanging out clothes. Caeser went completely wild, jumping up on me, biting me. I struggled for so long trying to lock him under the house and he just kept escaping. I was so in need of Mambo. I grabbed him by my collar and biserk slapping him hard out and crying simultaneously "dont make me hurt you ceaser" This old Samoan lady was watching my antics from the school. She continued to watch as I pegged up my undies and cried for your presence. It's not hat easy apprecating what you have untill it's gone . For me it was the companionship, the safty, the adorations, the ball sacks the tummy rubs. If you think about it I didn't really demand much and I could still be happy with what I had. I believed that if I gave you everything that I had, shared everything that I could I would keep your attention focused on me. I've arrived at the game of blame. What was it that made things happen? Was it the way I let the real me slip into oblivion? See I somehow during the course of this relationship allowed myself to become opinionless, consumed with the activity of tippy toeing through mind games I let develop. We've hit rock bottom.

Do not forget to change this...
posted Tue, 16 Aug 2005 17:29:51 -0700

Been a while since I updated this. I fell off the wagon, rolled down the hill and have been wallowing in the stagnent pool of water at the bottom of the slope. But the weight loss crap aside I've finally met someone. I don't have many words for the feelings that I'm experiencing, everything is slightly surreal. To be loved and appreciated the way I know I deserve is amazing. Early days but this is one of the nice guys, I'm positive.

Day 9
posted Sun, 26 Jun 2005 18:35:28 -0700

Aysha was nice to me this morning. Still had difficulty after the second set, had to sit down was feeling dizzy. Got home had some beetroot and tuna. Feeling ok have had a cup of tea. Will update later.

Day 8
posted Sat, 25 Jun 2005 22:51:40 -0700

When I got home last night I made myself a pork and beetroot sandwich on brown bread had a couple of pieces of pineapple. Had baked beans and an egg on toast this morning. Brought some fettucine and beetroot to work with me (i'm loving beetroot right now) and a small tin of tuna and an orange have consumed them all) Not looking forward to 2moro. Didn't go to the gym today sunday they're all open from 11-1pm and i wake up most days around 1030 too much of a rush for me. Promise myself won't have anything else this evenig. Have to get into GP to reassess blood sugars. Will do this sometime next week. Yet another promise to myself I hope to keep. Will text me. Nice to hear from him. In a bit of a can't be fkked doing much mood at the moment leave this entry at this.

Day 7
posted Fri, 24 Jun 2005 21:07:40 -0700

Cardona came over last night with movies. In all the excitement I recklessly abandoned any eating regimes and pigged out. I'm such a dumb ass. Had like 5 chocolate biscuits, kiddie pack of grain waves, a yellow bun ... hmm what else ... a le snack. I finished of little ones fettucine and chicken. I got up in the morning semi determined not to let it make me feel like a piece of shit. I went to the gym did some resistance then about an hour cardio. Came home had a bit of porridge and milk. Had an orange. Sitting at work with the prospect of one more orange for the entire day and feeling quite depressed. In the grand scheme of things I know it doesn't matter that as long as I pick myself and move right along it'll be fine. Its such a slow process. I have aysha on Monday, the personal trainer. I think she'll only be impressed by a 35kg weight drop. What ever respect I had for her as a professional was blown into smitherings when she suggested I lose 20kg in a month. I want a male trainer. The service is free so I'm not in a position to request a new one I guess. At work now, got a couple of texts from will yesterday. Yes, he had abandoned his phone in his locker at work. He text me last night saying work was realy busy and he had just turned on his phone had 43 new messages to get through. I text him "completely ignore any from me" Went to Ediths yesterday, say uncle nat and auntie suzie .. they're adding on the new bedroom downstairs. Good to see them and leilana for all 20secs. First thing she asked was "how's your boyfriend?" ... news travels faster than light in a Samoan family. Ya go to the movies with a guy, they all start planning the wedding.

Day 6
posted Thu, 23 Jun 2005 21:08:41 -0700

Had half a mandarin (coz it tasted like shit) a dried apricot a banana a piece of wholemeal bread with a little bit of olivio marg on it came home had about four table spoons of cous cous a 95g tin of tuna and lettuce and beetroot. Feel content, might have some pineapple later on. Did 55 mins cardio on the treadmill. Have increased my speed quite a bit and the incline. Cardonas scales tell me i'm 118.65 *sigh* I dunno maybe im expecting too much too fast .... but god dammit i'm eating like a freaking rabbit. The better part of me was nowhere to be found a couple of nights ago when I text Mr William the following .... "I have a stupid crush on you, you should never have told me you clean the air con in the car with a cotton bud" (Coz he does and I do that too and I felt instantly attracted to him as soon as he told me this) No reply The following lunchtime I text him "Hey pa'u elo, I spilt my heart out to you last night the least you could do is dignify my admission with a response" Still no reply Then yesterday night I text him again "my confession too overwhelming huh? .. (followed by a lol ... to give the impression that it was all a bit of light hearted fun - which it obviously is not as every time I got a new message on my cell my stomach did flips)" alas I am still waiting for a response. He has been known to lose his charger and completely ignore his cellphone before. But too much of a coincidence for my liking, I've assumed that I've completely fucked it up and wait for him to let me know otherwize. I guess now would be a good time to remind myself how many people have commented on how good i'm looking. My family are really really pleased with me. Can't wait to make them prouder. People at work have noticed as well. It makes me slightly uncomfortable, random people at work checking out my progress. I'll get over it though. Just read over some of my other posts. It was only day 3 that i was 119.89 so I've actually lost a kilo in two full days. that fucking fantastic. I feel so much better!

Day 5
posted Thu, 23 Jun 2005 03:05:36 -0700

Came home starving last night and ate the micro dinner. It was disgusting, but I was hungry. This morning woke up and went to the gym. Did 60 minutes of cardio. Took mum as my buddy, she did 30mins and really enjoyed it. Had a pear and a low fat yoghurt for lunch. Had a chicken salad sandwich from a cafe it had egg and mayo in it (and butter) Oops. Came home have had a weight watchers fruit bar, half a pottle of yoghurt a mandarin and a couple of pieces of pineapple. Haven't weighed myself yet. Will prolly do this after the weekend. Not hungry. Only need a little bit to sustain all 162cm of me.

Day 4
posted Tue, 21 Jun 2005 18:25:57 -0700

Thought I'd better add my breakfast just incase I forget in the next 13 mins or so. I had a piece of toast with one boiled egg and a banana Worked out cardio at the gym for 60 mins did some crunches Will tweek this entry later ... for recollection purposes only will is sitting opposite me ... it's fantastic And i completely forgot my dinner this evening ... so I bought a tub of fresh fruit salad and now my tummy is rumbling dammit.

Day 3
posted Tue, 21 Jun 2005 16:57:40 -0700

Actually filling this in for myself on day four. I didn't do any excercise yesterday as I was still emotionally traumatized from
Day 2. I had two bananas and a healthy choice meal three or four dried apricots a kiwifruit. I'm sure I had something else in the morning but my short term memory has suffered greatly over the past few years due an assortment of reasons. Cardona bought me an ipod shuffle. How cool is my brother? Went over there to pick up some petrol money as I'm broke as fuck and he came out of the room with my shuffle. Granted I did ask him for it, but the fact that he went out on the weekend espiecially to dick smiths to buy it for me is sooooo cool. My older brother rocks. So I weighed myself at his house. 119.89 or something. Im happy to be under the 120s. I'm never going back there. Sat next to Will at work and was completely distracted throughout the whole day. My stats will suffer greatly but it's all in the name of dangerous infatuation so it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. God he must think I'm such an idiot. I've considered briefly and I mean very briefly before the better part of me tells me to wake up and stop being a fkking moron, letting him know that I have a crush on him. I think I might wait though, untill I at least can sit on the aeroplane without having to ask for an extension seat belt. I think I'll have more allure around that time.

Day 2
posted Sun, 19 Jun 2005 22:47:56 -0700

Oh my god my personal trainer almost killed me today. She pushed me so hard I started to feel like my breakfast porridge was on it's way up. I was so dizzy that my speech was barely comprehendable. She noticed this and said "I think you need a breather" ... No awards for brightness there lady cant you see me clutching at my heart. I managed to leave the gym today food still in my stomach. Once I got outside I collapsed into a heap on the ground. Head spinning thinking to myself 'my god and they say excercise is good for you?' I've felt nauseous since my harrowing encounter with me trainer. Trainer lol ... I'm sure her second job is Demon advisor to the production crew of Charmed. She said to me today "We need to move another 20" I nod in agreement. She then says "Lets aim to move it in a month" I stare blankly "A month?" I question "Is that safe?" to which she smiles and replies "Being really disciplined is really quite spiritual" ... Fkkk lady if you think I'm starving for a spiritual empathany you've read me all wrong. Don't know what I'll put in my mouth before I go to bed. All I know is it won't be attached to a male. *sigh*

Day 1
posted Sat, 18 Jun 2005 20:05:43 -070055

minute walk around Papakura. 2 1/2 pieces of sliced pineapple Pesto Chicken Weight Watchers Meal. I need to feel normal again. The next 20 are gonna come off and they're going to come off fast. I loathe the lard. I have done well but it's been way to slow and I've succumb to temptation far to many times. Weigh myself on Saturday next week. I suspect I'm around the 122 mark now. Last night I purged on choclates. God I'm an idiot. When I get to 99 I'm going to go to wellington again. That's my gift to myself.

Subject... title... summary... whatever
posted Fri, 17 Jun 2005 19:29:52 -0700

So we went to the movies. I'm still none the wiser. I'm inclined to believe he's of the frame of mind I'm cool to hang out with, friend, buddy. He did seem a tad bit uneasy though. Don't know why. Conversation was hurried and in parts forced I think it had something with the abundance of stimuli being that we were in the middle of a shopping mall on a late night. He enjoyed the movie, I wasn't taking too much notice of it. I ate my small popcorn and every now and then would have spontaneous visions of him holding my hand. After the movie finished we sat there till the credits stopped rolling discussing our opinions of the film. When we left the theatre the shops were still open so we perused a few stores. He bought a rubbish bin from K-mart then left the mall. We drove out to his house, can't remember a single thing we talked about on the car ride home. When we got to his place he invited me inside for a cup of tea. I hestiated and said "Aren't you tired?" he said "if you don't want to come in you don't have to" to which I replied "no I'll come in". Met the two cousins he stays with and his auntie who came from Samoa. Sat at their dining table had a cup of tea, used their bathroom and excused myself as it was getting late. He walked me outside and as I walked past him to get around to the drivers side I hoped more than anything he'd grab my arm, touch my shoulder anything, any indication .. but nothing.. So i started up the car told him to go inside it was gettting cold and he watched me reverse out of the longest drive in Auckland. *sigh* I'm so attention starved it's sad. All I want is someone to hug me from the opposite sex, who's not related to me and mean it. Is that too much to ask?

Had my hair cut today
posted Tue, 14 Jun 2005 01:06:33 -0700

It is grossly evident how ugly you actually are when sat in front of the huge mirrors at the hairdressers with nothing else to look at but yourself. The stylists never look bad. It's as if they all have access to a top secret foundation that eradicates all blemishs and uneven skin tones yet still remaining natural. One thing I have noticed about hair dressers is that they hairstyles are more often then not experimental. Heinous streaks of bold colours pulled off only by someone in their line of work. Jagged cuts completely unsuited to the shape of their faces is another common faus pax. I always get my hair thinned. I thank my polynesian mother for my olive complexion and dark hair but not for the dag of hair she bestowed upon me. I think the european hairdressers are a thinning scissor shy. I feel like grabbing the shears and doing it for them. I want to tell them "Get right in there and chomp off all you want! It grows like a noxious weed dammit!". Im not that assertive however. If someone was to cut my hair and make me look like george bush I would thank them kindly and comment on how refreshing my new style was. Pussy. HOw I feel today about the following things V - Meh Will - oooo Mum - Awww Work - Fuck

As my mother used to say...
posted Sat, 11 Jun 2005 21:07:19 -0700

V is such a prick.

You won`t believe what happened to me today:
posted Fri, 10 Jun 2005 16:37:23 -0700

Wellington was excellent. Ms Poutasi's beach house is so calming I wanted to hideaway in the hot water cupboard and spend the rest of my life there. We had the most awesome view of the pacific ocean and in the far distance kapiti island. Right on the water front, it took me a couple of nights to realize it wasn't rain lulling me to sleep but crashing waves. The weather left alot to be desired but hanging with my three best girlfriends for four days made up for cold weather. V intended on coming out and seeing me but he couldn't get anyone to sit with his mum. It was quite strange knowing he was only a 30 minute drive away as opposed to 8 hour drive and he still couldn't make it out to see me. I let him know this and he told me he wasn't necessarily pursuing anything. That his life was far to complex as he had essentially just acquired a wife and a 14 year old daughter with his mum and little sister moving in since the passing of his dad. That he had been so consumed by his duties he hadn't had to time to consider if he had feelings for me. And that he did not have the time or energy to maintain a long distance relationship. Friendship he says he can do. Between you and me I don't know if he'd make the best friend in the world, so i don't know what made me think he would be an ideal partner for me. I cried quite a bit. I felt silly that I had developed such strong feelings and none of them had been reciprocated in the slightest. Anyway I'm getting over it. He's quite a funny guy and he's very knowledable so he will make an interesting friend. Then theres the Will situation. Whats up with that? Came right out of left field and again I dont know what's happening. We're gonna go do movies and dinner next week thursday so perhaps I'll get a little bit more insight into his frame of mind. Knowing how well I interpret Male intention I'll probably be even more confused. Men, so hard to understand. I mean V for example everything he says he says with no innuendo, no hidden meanings, no intention of assumption i.e He texts ... "I slept in ..." the morning of his flight to auckland. So I assume, naturally 'oh he's running late', he hasn't left home yet. I reply "You better get a move on, I'll change your flight if you need me too" He replies "I said I slept in I didn't say I hadn't left ... I left 15 minutes ago". I've never met anyone how speaks so literally and means only what he says. It's like learning how to speak english all over again. Anyway so I put on 3kg over the weekend. Punished myself ritually everyday at the gym an hour cardio, there's was this woman there yesterday who was about the same size as me and wearing a crop top and tight shorts. It was very encouraging that nobody batted and eye at her. Good on her I say. But the day I turn up to the gym in a crop top and tight shorts I'll probably get harpooned on my way in. I got quite depressed about the increase of weight and again haven't been able to fully regain control as I'm dwelling on the back tracking and how much a waste of time it is. So in the shower this morning i decided that i'm going to pretend I haven't lost any weight at all. Today is my start day, that way i'll stop focusing on all the bloody crap i ate over the weekend. So I'm off to the gym now, work at 1700 have had a banana will have a weight watchers dinner for tea at work and that shall be it. I love you dad. xoxoxox

I am the subject! Goo goo ga joob!
posted Fri, 27 May 2005 00:30:24 -0700

Well done to me. 45 minutes cardio. Bit of protein bit of fruit. My back is killing me through .. need someone to stand on it. Flying to welly thursday night. Haven't heard from V all day but text him a few times to let him know what my intentions were this long weekend. He did talk of being in Chc as a locum but unsure. I'm exhausted. Thank god I start at 6pm tommorow. OT is such a drag. This has to be one of thee most boring journal entries in entire history. Who cares I'm the only one who reads it. Or am I? IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?!?!?

Stranger than fiction:
posted Wed, 25 May 2005 22:07:29 -0700

Much better day today. Spent an hour at the gym. 20 minutes cardio 15 minutes resistance. Expended all my energy however hardly had the courage to face work. I can't pin point exactly why the time I had away was so horrendous. Due in part i believe to my anxiety relating to Vito and also when I go through money like toilet paper it always makes me uneasy. I also think a part of my angst was due to travelling with my mothers sisters. My skills as a mother were on display and I dont work very well under scrutiny. Needless to say the children didn't have the best of time as I turned into hitler. I'm glad journalspace provide titles coz I'd sit here for 35 minutes trying to think of something to put there. I've decided all scales should be melted down and made into pretty jewellery.

Needs a little more cowbell.
posted Tue, 24 May 2005 23:53:19 -0700

Who knows what it is today. Had a really shit week. Lost control can't regain it. But will certainly regain weight If I dont take control again. Part of the issue is that I know the date is looming and I still have one thing left to tell him. It's making me nervous and depressed at the same time. I hate being in this situation but I put myself here in the first place. I know he wouldn't care. What can I do? Try my hardest before we meet and let him know whats what in the interim? There's no easy way out of this. All I want is that first hug. Affirmation that it's all ok. From there, who knows? Another thing that scares me. I have no emotional control. How do i intergrate this man into my life and not be completely and utterly overwhelmed by it all. I need to function normally, he already consumes my every thought. I could possibly ask him for guidance on this one, he is after all a psychiatrist.

124.2
posted Sun, 15 May 2005 17:45:51 -0700

My arms are killing me. Who knew resistence training was so freaking hard.

Ive been such a good girl
posted Wed, 11 May 2005 03:58:31 -0700

these past two days i deserve a medal, a big fat gold one. The reason I have been so good however was because I was 127.4 after a weekend of Vietnamese sausage and Samoan corned beef. Friday I'm going to the med centre and will give myself an update on my progress. Spoke to V on the phone tonight. It's kinda cute how serious he can get sometimes.

Happy Mothers Day
posted Sun, 08 May 2005 22:50:32 -0700

Vietnamese vegetable rolls smell funny.

Told you they were wrong
posted Fri, 06 May 2005 18:39:12 -0700

126.5

Woohoo

As my mother used to say...
posted Fri, 06 May 2005 00:51:51 -0700

127.8 Maybe less who knows scales lie all the time but I've been a good girl for the past three to four days cept today mum thought it would be a brilliant idea to go to dennys with brother ... so i ended up ordering lamb with mashed potatoes and vegetables which would have been perfectly fine but then they both ordered dessert. Excellent. One extra spoon please. Was on tv last night. Very surreal. But exciting none the same. Very well spoken. I might just have a career in television journalism yet.

This hurts
posted Sun, 17 Apr 2005 01:30:40 -0700

God. I must have really fallen for him, because it hurts quite a bit. It felt really good. The conversation. The similarities. Could I have fallen so badly for his ambition. There is something extrodinarily attractive about a man with determination and drive. Something comforting in a mans ability to put thought into action. This guy did it unbelievably well despite adversity. I had such a profound respect for him, maybe that's why it hurt's so much. Eloquent and intelligent, exactly what I think I need. I'll never know but I'm thankful for the glimpse I had into the possibility ... I mean yeh I feel like throwing myself off the edge of a building but hey I'll get over it, move on, I still can't help but feel this was the 'one in a million' guy. He doesn't feel the same way. Bummer.

Ugh 129.00
posted Tue, 12 Apr 2005 00:28:34 -0700

Kfc sux. Man so bummed. I ate like a chicken burger then a couple of pieces of chicken ... not eating anything else today.. the scales won't budge .. maybe working out at the gym has made me gain muscle that's the theory anyway ... I'm gonna crack this bitch before she kills me.

I feel like crap now
posted Sun, 10 Apr 2005 22:10:09 -0700

My new team leader has just given me notice of another formal meeting with the call center manager about my sick leave. I took three days off with the flu and then another 5 when my son was in hospital ... i've had one day off with food poisoning and another day off because i had no bloody petrol to get to work. I dunno. I feel like shit. Not only is this work crap going on but the guy isn't answering my texts. I dont know .. he sayd he's genuinely interested trying his hardest not to analyse me, but here he is no emails no txts ... sigh .. fkk knows In addition i've just read over this and this has to be one of thee most uncouth entries i've ever written ... I'm sick and tired of being micro managed. I'm sick and tired of splitting ten sick days between 5 of us.

I`m hungry
posted Sat, 09 Apr 2005 21:49:21 -0700

I could eat ... 1. Freyas bread chicken salad sandwich mayo cheese lettuce onion tomato relish strips of bacon and brie or 2. pork roast with kumara, potato and apple sauce. Baby carrots, corn on the cob or 3 faalifu talo, piupo and palusami or 4. chicken and mushroom fettucine with side of garlic bread But I wont *stares blankly at 95g tuna in springwater can* Eating healthy is such a drag

Maybe not.
posted Mon, 04 Apr 2005 22:25:25 -0700

I'm being paranoid. Thank god.

Goal
posted Mon, 04 Apr 2005 18:34:32 -0700

55

Start 138
posted Mon, 04 Apr 2005 18:30:15 -0700

today 129.3 My hair smells nice. I've just been to the hairdresser

I may possibly be right
posted Mon, 04 Apr 2005 18:20:18 -0700r

redemption should come in some form in the next 48 hours i suppose.

Change this before you save your entry.
posted Sun, 03 Apr 2005 05:48:35 -0700

I'm feeling a little edgy. Exposed and unsheltered. All I have to offer is me, is it enough? Has he reconsidered his position. Is he trying to distance himself? Am I being paranoid. I hope I am. I really want this to work.

Could it be
posted Fri, 01 Apr 2005 18:13:18 -0800

that I've finally met my equal. I am feeling very vunerable yet very excited. I do hope though. Just hope. Not too sure for what exactly but I do.

Hm
posted Sun, 27 Mar 2005 03:59:40 -0800

Oh the monotony of my days. They're starting to catch up with me. I tend to forget about how bland my life is during periods of business but today is not one of those days. Today the drone of my own drum is disturbingly apparent. You can learn to take pleasure in the simplicities of life, you can learn to do it so well that you forget about the world around you. My trouble is I have a tendency to reflect on how insignificant my existance is in comparison to the universe. Would it be so bad to be immortal. At least you'd have more than one chance to make a difference.

Such A Long Timeposted
Sat, 19 Mar 2005 02:16:08 -0800

It's been so long since we've spoken though I think of you often. The other day, sat in the passengers side of my car looking outside the window misted with dust and wondered if I do think of you on a daily basis. I wondered wether days had passed where I didn't remember you and if that means that I love you less. The new house is definitely more apt to our lifestyle. No property managers, no carpets to stain and a large front yard with trees for the kids to fall out of .... But if only you were here, working in the garage, banging about, making a racket, I'd feel far more secure if I had the drone of your circular saw in the background. Dada, no matter how busy my world gets you are remembered. Do not be troubled by the last few years of your life. When I think of you, I do not see the frail man that wandered aimlessly through the cold hallways of that hopsital. I think about the father who without fail put breakfast in front of me for 18 years, I remember the gentleman who would insist on walking closer to the curb just in case a car should veer off the road. I remember your laugh, I remember you, the real you.

All my love xox buster xoxo .
posted Sat, 08 Jan 2005 21:47:02 -0800

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy birhtday dear daddy, Happy Birthday to you. xoxox

Most excellent .......
posted Thu, 04 Nov 2004 03:42:24 -0800

My back is sore but i'm determined to write a short entry this evening. It's times like this I wish put the hot water bottle back where it belonged. Got an interview Monday Daddy. Brought the family HR consultant in to ambush me with 'standard' questioning. I hope the prep pays off because god knows we could do with the extra money. God also knows I'm slowly being delivered to the door of insanity in my current role. When Tui asked me this evening "How do you stay motivated in your current role" I realised how unmotivated i am and have pretty much always been in this role. I dont think coming up with a good insult for every customer counts as a form of motivation. I'm emotionally unaware of my surroundings as of late and have fallen back into some familiar patterns I know are detrimental. Ive managed to twist my managers arm into giving me permanent days off so that at the bare minimum I have permanent days of rest. I intend to fully utilize these days of rest in the coming months by dedicating them to a revival of awareness of some sort. I can go for months in emotional comas. It works in keeping the 'hard stuff' at bay. The joys of being raised by a man. One half of me wants to paint my girlfriends toenails, listen to the bodyguard soundtrack and expose every trauma i've ever lived through the other half just wants to eat, sleep and shit and not give a damn. I wonder if there's a support programme out there for gender confused feelings. Say a prayer for me come monday. xox Buster xoxo

Such relief
posted Sat, 02 Oct 2004 13:54:03 -0700'

To hear your voices on the phone in the early hours of the morning. So grateful that you were treated well by the flight crew and that the children were spoilt rotten. After what was quite a stressful encounter at the ckin counters I'm glad something started to go right, I was beginning to lose faith in the ability of our national carrier. I wonder what time you will all wake up, I hope you have a good sleep before Mafi wakes up and drags you to the kitchen for weetbix. I think I'll ring you again this evening. Today I have an eventful day planned, I'm going to organize the shoes in all the cupboards, spring clean the bedrooms and drawers. I live on the edge but it's worth it. Nana tai just left to do her washing. She fell asleep on the couch while auntie junie was watching swordfish. When she started snoring I thought I was back at the airport watching a 74 take off. Auntie was close to smothering her with a pillow. I know Dad's pleased with the way things have eventuated. I know he understands my contentment with my achievements thus far. I believe he recognizes the things of importance to me and I feel he approves my list of priorities (so far)

Thank you Father God for her wings.
posted Sat, 02 Oct 2004 02:51:12 -0700

The plane left 25 minutes late but I stood out on the observation deck untill the tail lights of the 767 dimmed into oblivion. After 21 years she's finally going home taking with her the three most valuable possession of her entire existance. I want them to be safe, I want them to enjoy the time they spend abroad. I pray for their safe return and I thank the lord for leading me down the path that created this opportunity for my family. I also pray for Papa's speedy recovery of body and spirit. Iesu alofa mai puipui mai ia te'i matou uma fa'amanuia ia Taylor, Rudi, Mafi, Nanny Emma, Mummy, Papa, Uncle Reginald, Uncle Cardona, Auntie Junie, Nana Tai, Ben, Tavita, Tennessee, Detroit fa'amanuia ia all the children at st.marys all the kids at school mata. Amen Fa Mafi, Fa Taylor, Fa rudi, Fa Mum. Alofa tele ia Papa ma alieta ma kosene. I love you.

Father`s Day
posted Sun, 05 Sep 2004 00:26:37 -0700

These past two weeks have been dotted with small reminders that you've passed away. I have been inundated with Fathers day marketing in the form of cheesy greeting cards, personalized underwear, cliche mugs, Father's day special flyers in the mail and shop windows sporting discounts for the 'special dad'. Each marketing ploy a stinging slap to my cheek. I do wish I could have woken up this morning and made you bubble and squeak with a cup of tea, white no sugar. When Colin came up from Wellington for your service he brought back the copy of spycatcher I gave you for fathers day in 1988. I remember going into whitcoulls on lambton quay and asking if they had a copy of spycatcher and getting quizzical looks from the sales assistant, being that I was only 9 years old. I asked you a couple of days after if you liked the book and you smiled so wide and said "I love it - went to bed at 2am couldn't put it down". Do you remember the question i'd ask you every night after you'd tuck me in? Are you reading tonight Dad? It meant the light from your little reading lamp would shine through your bedroom window lighting up the outside porch and hence spreading a dim warm light in my bedroom. Knowing you were awake made me feel safe, it reassured me that if an axe yielding murderer was to break in you'd be up in a flash gripping the softball bat you had propped up beside your bed. Hearing you turn the pages of your book through the wall made me feel like nothing bad could ever happen to me. I'm sure, more than a few times you didn't even want to read. You realized that your bedside lamp had a bigger purpose to serve then just providing light to read by, and it's because you understood that and because you knew not to turn it off until I was sound asleep that I feel so blessed god chose me to be your daughter. Happy Father Day Daddy xoxoxo Buster

What is a fuse box dwarf?
posted Sat, 07 Aug 2004 14:15:13 -0700

Hello Daddy. I think I'm doing ok don't you think? I had a small lull but i'm going to take it with a grain of salt and persevere. I've learnt a few things these past few weeks. I've been a slave to my emotions and emancipation is imperative. For a long time I have never been able to separte thought and feeling but the more I think about, the more often I prop the notion up for viewing at varying angles the more evident it becomes that they are clearly two different things. William Shakespeare said "nothing is either good or bad - thinking makes it so" (or something to that effect) and he is absolutely bloody right. I loved watching you build in the garage. You'd have the door up and I'd play handball just outside against the fence that afa got stuck behind. The sound of the handsaw chewing through timber, the smell of fresh saw dust, your shirt rolled up at the sleeve. Mum would call me inside and give me a side plate with your sandwich on it and a drink of 'orange'. Walking timidly down the hallway down the porch being careful not to spill any drink. When I'd turn the corner I'd stand there and steal your attention from the stubborn piece of wood you'd be hacking through. "Thanks love" you'd say. And you'd hug me. I was mindful of sogginess of the shirt on your back but it still felt as good as ever to be in your arms. I remember your entire set up even though the garage and most things in it disspeared nearly 8 years ago. I remember the wall mounted clips that you'd force your spanners into. I remember the drilled holes on each end of your work bench that the screwdrivers would slot into. I remember two vices on the front. I remember that paints and solvents on the back wall. The screws, rivots, washers, bolts on top of the shelf in front of the bench. Your power tools in the old dressers further to the back your saw horses in the middle your loose pieces of timber over head in a make shift holder. The ladder and the loft and my persistant view that it was possible to turn it into a bedroom. I can't remember what I had for dinner two nights ago but I can remember your garage. It's funny the things we hold onto.

No Sleep
posted Wed, 23 Jun 2004 23:27:14 -0700

Lieing in bed, tossing and turning. I've been restless this past week. I asked you help me get to sleep. Then I remebered. Our living room, heater on. TV1 switched on you'd be watching something incredibly boring. My head in your lap. You'd smooth my hair back from my forehead. The smell of the startch on your shirt, the drone of the tv and i'd fall asleep. Last night I didn't though. Instead I cried. I cried for a long time. Why didn't i understand the importance of that time i shared with you when you were around? Why didn't take more of it for myself. Why didn't I pay attention each time you'd try and teach me something new. Why are there so many things that escape my memory that would mean so much to me now. That guy he was pretty funny eh dad. When he pointed out the chocolates. Lol. I hope you heard something that night Dad. I love you.

Would you Rather
posted Thu, 03 Jun 2004 04:54:02 -0700

Battle your demons over the next 10 to 20 years or in the next 12 months? Nothing is impossible.

12.58am
posted Wed, 26 May 2004 06:05:30 -0700

I'm awake. Slightly tired but awake watching music download. It becomes an obsession. Filling drives, buying more filing them. Having every song made by man. Did you see him today? The way he makes everybody laugh, the way he brings love into our lives. I know you would have loved to hold him. To play with him, show him a thing or two with the hammer and some nails. Did you see the way she reacted when she found out? The way she kissed the box that holds your ashes before she goes to school. How open and loving her heart is. Did you see the way the eldest picks up language so quickly. How well she has devleoped. Must have. Love you daddy.

Hello
posted Tue, 25 May 2004 01:34:34 -0700

The house is very untidy. I'm in the process of cleaning out toys. I have one whole box full of mcdonalds toys. As the box neared three quarters of the way full I startd to wonder how many happy meals my children have been through. Which lead me to remember the few times you'd let me eat at mcdonalds. You'd make me order the filet because you believed there was less fat in a fish fillet. You wouldn't be happy about me eating the chips but you'd let me have them. Going to mcdonalds was such a treat I could hardly wait for the car to stop. I think my kids have mcdonalds at least once a fortnight. Perhaps more judging by the ever growing pile of crappy mcdonalds toys. Im coping Dad. I still find that some things I could tolerate before highly intolerable i.e my job. I know you'll help me find a way.

My Love
posted Thu, 20 May 2004 19:04:26 -0700

I don't want you to throw your life away. I want you to enjoy the time you have left on this earth. I am constantly by your side. Look after the children they need you most. I love you. YATWBMWA. xx Luki OO

The calm before the storm
posted Sat, 15 May 2004 02:39:43 -0700

I dont know what comes over me. I dont mean to hurt them. When I'm not around them I think of them often and wish that they're by me. I look at the photos of them when they were younger and can't believe I act the way I do sometimes. What's come over me. Why do I treat them so unfairly and where has my patience dissapeared to. Where is the piece of the puzzle that I've been looking for for so many years. When will I find it and how much damage will I do before it appears.

Back at work
posted Tue, 11 May 2004 03:23:29 -0700

How strange it feels. People treat me as if I've been in a horrific car accident. When they talk to me they touch me lightly, their voices smooth and unobtrusive. How are you coping they ask. Doing ok I'll say. I wonder if I were to divulge the true extent of my emotional turmoil how they'd react. I think you left and took the joy out of laughter. Hollow mirth and counterfeit smiles, just barely tolerating normality, barely getting through polite chit chat, barely being able to endure the life I have without you in it. Will your death be my demise, will it mean I live the rest of my years in fear. Fear of losing the few people in this world who I can say love me unconditionally. Father God, I pray for your strength, I pray for insight and understanding, I pray for acceptance and perservernce. I pray for comfort from the dull pain that rocks me to sleep, from relief of this guilt that consumes me, for forgiveness lord, for all the things I should have done and for the things I did do that should have been done better.

GoodBye
posted Wed, 05 May 2004 00:57:11 -0700

Gentle, compassionate and wise. Farewall my beloved. I pray I've sent you away with dignity and respect. How sick and troubled I feel when I wake. How huge the void is, how woeful my life is in your absence. If only to have you just one more hour so I can hold you. Good night, farewell to my only true love. William Roodhouse-Hill B. 09 Jan 1921 D. 30 Apr 2004

Haven`t seen you in a while
posted Tue, 16 Mar 2004 12:53:06 -0800

Lulled into a false sense of normality. Pushed down on the list of things to do. Held back by the fear of pain. Do you remember our drives on a Sunday? After church which I'd sit through quietly in anticipation of the closing hymn. You'd talk for a little bit outside and I'd slowly edge my way to our car. Feel like some quiche love? You'd say as we pulled out and I'd nod. We'd both agree it was the best quiche we'd ever tasted. You'd let me peruse the gift shop close buy occasionaly buy a little ornament or maybe a new pencil for school. Then we'd go for our Sunday drive around the bays. Past the mussel beds past the army camp past st pats and the lonely yachts. We'd meander through oriental parade and I'd watch all the older ladies walking their dogs and crying children over their spilt ice cream. We'd pass places that reminded me of mum. The embassy. Where she worked once. Around the basin and up adelaide road to our home. When we got inside you'd settle into your arm chair with your paper. I wish we could go for one more drive. I love you.

You loved
posted Thu, 04 Mar 2004 09:49:12 -0800

1. Pork pies after a few drinks on friday nights 2. Cream Donuts at lunch time while you worked on your programme 3. Cheese and picadilli sandwiches as a snack before you went to bed 4. Pisupo and palusami but not with taro with potatoes 5. Ice cream slices in between two pink wafers 6. Fanta but you'd call it orange 7. Your hot cup of white tea with no sugar every three hours 8. A good hot curry that would make your nose run 9. Marinated chicken drums chilled out of the fridge 10. Pate on a bit of toast 11. Apple pie with reduced cream

RNZ International
posted Sun, 29 Feb 2004 09:42:47 -0800

I always think about waking up for school to find your empty bed. I'd walk downstairs and find a note on the table. Five dollars for your bus love. See you after to school. I'd get ready. Lock the house and walk to school. School would end and I'd walk across the road to catch the bus downtown. I'd walk to your office. Past the big parliament buildings. Past the old woman in the bakery with the nice smelling bread. I'd push open the heavy doors at the entrance to your building and smile at the security guard. Then I'd tear down the hallways past all the recording studios. All the lit red signs that told me important people were working on the radio. I'd come to a halt in the foyer just before the door to your set of offices and I'd dance for the security camera. I'd resume my journey. As I pass the secretary andrea I'd say hello and then turn the corner and you'd be sat there. Writing, listening, talking it didn't matter. You'd come to life as soon as you saw me. When Id give you a hug I used to love to smell the shoulders of your suit jacket. Are you hungry love youd say. In retrospect. Those were some of the happiest days of my life.

Good morning buster
posted Sat, 28 Feb 2004 10:46:35 -0800

I'm working from nine thirty to six o clock. I hate my job. Im chained to a computer and relentless queries. I tell them I love it. That it suits my lifestyle. That I'm passionate about the industry. All I'm passionate about it the fortnightly wages. I dont know what you'd say if you could give me advice. You always wanted me to finish uni. Get my degree. But considering my circumstances, I think you'd tell me to stick in there. Unfortnately for me 3895156 was dissconnected back in 1999. That phone number to you was a lifeline. I wonder alot about our hold house. Who's living in there. What theyve done to our rooms. Our laundry. Our kitchen. I still dream about our house. Like we're still living there. It's been nearly four years since I've stepped foot in it though. Somebody tell my subconscious that. I wonder if the new family know we burried taffy in the top right hand corner of the garden. Our prestigous corgi who'd never follow me up the stairs. I best shower now, put on something half decent, turn on my front and drive to work. I miss you.

I still have
posted Fri, 27 Feb 2004 22:03:19 -0800

Your avon musk in a glass bottle shaped like a green lantern. I always told you I didn't like it because of how cheap it was. Now it sits in my rimu glory box right next to my bed. I found it when I was cleaning out. I sat down on my bedroom floor and held it up to my nose. I closed my eyes and just kept breathing in. It felt like I was sitting on your knee again, with my head on your shoulder. It also reminded me of how I used to sit on the edge of the toilet and watch you get ready to go out every Friday night. You'd slap some of it on and then when I wasn't looking you'd wipe some of it on my cheeks. It made me cry so I put the lid on and put it back in. I'm thankful avon made such a cheap musk now. I'll get it back out again soon, I know.

Why hes got no hair
posted Fri, 27 Feb 2004 20:43:10 -0800

In the early eighties my brothers and I watched the Goonies movie religously. We discussed how good an idea it was to booby trap the shed so that the next time dad went to get some garden tools we could get video footage of him falling victim to our meticulously planned traps. The boys decided I should hold the video camera so I climbed up out onto the roof from my bedroom window which had a discreet but direct view to the shed. My two brothers pretended to play swing ball in the yard. Dad came out of the house. "Anyone seen the spade?" He yelled at the boys. He opened the door to the shed. 3.5 Litres of terracotta solar guard paint spilled on top of his head. In his confusion he stepped forward and was hit in the head by the handle of his rake. This was my cue. I then started chucking flour bombs at him. It took him nearly 5 days and a very close relationship with turpentine to get rid of the paint on his head. Later on he blamed us for making him go bald.

Im driving home in the rain
posted Fri, 27 Feb 2004 18:08:05 -0800

But i'm going to think about you the whole way home. Today more than any other day I pray for some relief. For both of us.

Youd be with me
posted Fri, 27 Feb 2004 17:14:24 -0800

I didn't want you to go home. Maybe our last xmas together. We sat together on the sofa holding hands. You were so content. I fed you chicken, peas and roast potatoes. Putting you in the car taking you back to the white walled prison, to the shouts of forgotten people. It takes what I have left in me and tears it to shreds. Don't hate me daddy. It's all I can do.

Do you Remember
posted Fri, 27 Feb 2004 16:50:52 -0800

I was 11 maybe 12. I wanted to give all my friends xmas presents and we didn't have the money. I went down to the warehouse and started to pinch all these t shirts. I'd go down and aisle and stuff four dollar tshirts into my little backpack. The store manager came up from up behind me took me the arm to behind the cashiers counter and called the police. He asked for your number. I gave it to him. He tried to call but you didn't answer. He let me go. I ran and ran and ran to the bus stop. I got off at our stop and ran home and you were in the garage. I started to cry. I told you what happened. You put your hammer down and you cuddled me. You told me it was ok. That I'd know now not to do it again. You weren't mad. You were sad that I was so upset. We went inside a nd you made me something to eat. I've always known you were a special man. But things like that showed me how special. I love you.

I Love You
posted Fri, 27 Feb 2004 16:26:20 -0800

I dont know if you saw me yesterday. I did hold your hand and when I called your name you moved your fingers. You opened your mouth a few times in an attempt to talk. Everyone was watching me. Watching me. Looking. I hated it. I asked for some time alone. I told you what Ive wanted to tell you. It didn't feel right. I asked for one more chance. Just one more time. Me and you talking. Not going to happen. I love you. When you leave me come visit me. Please.